憂鬱日記

昨天哭了太多太久，吃了鎮定劑，吃了安眠藥，今天睜開眼已經是八點十六分了．

本來決定還是要去上後半堂十點半的課，最後醒來時也十點多了，就乾脆賴在床上一整天睡個夠，等藥效過．

其實，我覺得藥效早就過了，是我自己不願意起來吧．
所以陽光海灘也沒了，起床快四點，還是三點多我也忘了．

起床後竟然只有吃可以讓我期待，真的有點可悲．

洗了一盒草莓淋上煉乳，熱了牛奶沖咖啡，烤了起士火腿麵包，從Pingo Doce買的檸檬馬芬，一根香蕉．
一股腦兒地就吃完了，對著電腦處理了一些事，忽然看到了一些訊息，忍不住又哭了起來．

我想我真的是魔鬼，見不得人家幸福吧．

心裡清楚知道，自己沒有多好，卻又覺得其他人很爛．
到底，他們憑什麼得到幸福呢？

那我又憑什麼幸福呢？


病的人其實是我，不停地對他人感到恐懼，開始憎恨，看到人家難過流淚，竟然有一種冷眼旁觀以及幸災樂禍的感覺．

因為，他們不幸福，我才能感受到自己不那麼悲哀．
是這樣嗎？

如此痛苦，想求救卻又一言不合，於是我趴在桌上大哭打自己，一抬起頭，他留了簡短的訊息給我：我要睡覺了，晚安．

瞬間我覺得我們兩個人徹底地完了．
在我這麼痛苦的時候，你無能為力，救不了我．

對你來說我這一切都是自己轉不過來，看來我在你身上寄望期待根本是非分之想了．
你總覺得問題出在於我，就算偶爾陪我罵罵其他人，也只是暫時性的安慰方式，不是根本解決之道．

其實我也明白問題出自於我本身，太脆弱，不願意面對現實，或是認清現實，卻沒辦法甘心接受．

可是你不能讓我變得更好，只是一再地證明了我要你有何用？
你始終不懂如何安慰我，你總是讓情緒化的我變得更糟，
分開，完全是正確的選擇．


你去追求那些跟你條件相襯的人吧，我有我的驕傲，再見．









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Time to say Goodbye

It might be the time to say goodbye, my darling.



I guess I had never been understood by you, and you hadnt tried to fix me either.


The thing you wanted is me, but in fact , I think I can live alone without you, you've already hurt me too many times, and I know so have I.


Thank you my dear, the things between us were just memories, nothing more.


I loved you, maybe, I'm not sure.
I dont really know what so-called love is.






I'm picky, I'm difficult to please, I always wear a long face, I can't always say the words you like, but that's me and I wont be like you in my whole life, so obedient, so devoted and dedicative, so lovely to make people love you more and more. Just because I am not that great and perfect as you, I dont deserve to love and to be loved?


I'll miss you, but I think it's over between us.





Adeus.

藍莓女孩

The Greatest ---by Cat Power

最近很常在聽這首歌，
很適合很適合一個人在深夜裡靜靜地聽．


這首歌，其實就是" My Blueberry Nights 我的藍莓夜"裏的主題曲．


然後又因為這部電影，我回想起大學時自己一人去西門町看晚場電影的那天
我甚至都還記得我穿了什麼，還記得回到小套房後，還拍下了幾張照片．

" There’s nothing’s wrong with the blueberry pie. It’s just people make other choices.”
藍莓派沒什麼問題，只是人們做了其他的選擇．

想起了電影中的這句台詞，想起我很常都覺得自己就是那份沒人要的藍莓派．
的確，我不是親切適口的蘋果派，不是精緻討喜的草莓派，

而是外型小小的，醜醜的小藍莓，直接吃通常是酸的，酸得讓人只能做成甜點，或是果醬，很少可以一口接一口地吃，總是需要適切的調理與包裝...烤成派後，通常還要加上一份香草冰淇淋，中和那依舊出色的酸味．


其實我並不是太知道自己是怎麼樣的．
又或者說，我其實知道．
我不想被加工調理，期使我知道在那之後我會看起來更美好，更被人喜愛．

我想當很好很美的那一個，但是我知道太難．
無論是天生的或是後天的對我而言我都太難．

Once I wanna be the greatest, but the thing is, how could I?
I'm not born to be the best, in my own world, I even don't know what the best is, or maybe, I know, from my imagination, but I always know I'm not the person who can be the best.

So that might be the reason why I wanna be unique, just myself, nothing else. This could be very difficult as well, since I always think negatively, or perhaps I can say that, the way I think is just the way to be unique. Sometimes I really have some weird thoughts which I cant turn them to be more positive. I keep doubting myself, and gradually I started to doubt other people around me, even hate them, honestly.

Originally, I just wanna be apart from them for a while, I need more spare space, both physically and mentally, later I started to feel that...maybe I have to be isolated periodically, from you, from all of you.

Don't ask me why, maybe, hey listen, just a guess, maybe.
Maybe when I am alone, or lonely, I can feel and sense more " me" in myself.
The greatest girl, the poorest girl, all is me.

下一次，我想烤一份藍莓派，給自己
Next time I wanna bake a blueberry crumble pie, for myself, to celebrate I could be the girl, or the woman I want to be, in the near future.

Oh maybe it's going to be tomorrow, who knows?









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