藍莓女孩

The Greatest ---by Cat Power

最近很常在聽這首歌，
很適合很適合一個人在深夜裡靜靜地聽．


這首歌，其實就是" My Blueberry Nights 我的藍莓夜"裏的主題曲．


然後又因為這部電影，我回想起大學時自己一人去西門町看晚場電影的那天
我甚至都還記得我穿了什麼，還記得回到小套房後，還拍下了幾張照片．

" There’s nothing’s wrong with the blueberry pie. It’s just people make other choices.”
藍莓派沒什麼問題，只是人們做了其他的選擇．

想起了電影中的這句台詞，想起我很常都覺得自己就是那份沒人要的藍莓派．
的確，我不是親切適口的蘋果派，不是精緻討喜的草莓派，

而是外型小小的，醜醜的小藍莓，直接吃通常是酸的，酸得讓人只能做成甜點，或是果醬，很少可以一口接一口地吃，總是需要適切的調理與包裝...烤成派後，通常還要加上一份香草冰淇淋，中和那依舊出色的酸味．


其實我並不是太知道自己是怎麼樣的．
又或者說，我其實知道．
我不想被加工調理，期使我知道在那之後我會看起來更美好，更被人喜愛．

我想當很好很美的那一個，但是我知道太難．
無論是天生的或是後天的對我而言我都太難．

Once I wanna be the greatest, but the thing is, how could I?
I'm not born to be the best, in my own world, I even don't know what the best is, or maybe, I know, from my imagination, but I always know I'm not the person who can be the best.

So that might be the reason why I wanna be unique, just myself, nothing else. This could be very difficult as well, since I always think negatively, or perhaps I can say that, the way I think is just the way to be unique. Sometimes I really have some weird thoughts which I cant turn them to be more positive. I keep doubting myself, and gradually I started to doubt other people around me, even hate them, honestly.

Originally, I just wanna be apart from them for a while, I need more spare space, both physically and mentally, later I started to feel that...maybe I have to be isolated periodically, from you, from all of you.

Don't ask me why, maybe, hey listen, just a guess, maybe.
Maybe when I am alone, or lonely, I can feel and sense more " me" in myself.
The greatest girl, the poorest girl, all is me.

下一次，我想烤一份藍莓派，給自己
Next time I wanna bake a blueberry crumble pie, for myself, to celebrate I could be the girl, or the woman I want to be, in the near future.

Oh maybe it's going to be tomorrow, who knows?









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